"Ghost Panda"

So turns out I didn't move to Texas. We're now in Kentucky. Which is awesome because it's closer to family.. but again, as usual, kinda out in the middle of nowhere. So I had a really close friend tell me tonight I should start back at my blog. Tonight though is now almost 4am in the morning and I really should be reading or something to get myself sleepy. I do have a funny story to share for anyone who happens to come across this and is not my facebook friend. I called it "Ghost Panda". Here it goes:

"Ghost Panda" a true story-

I usually require some quiet time after the kids are in bed and my husband always goes to sleep much sooner than I. After everyone in our house was supposedly snug in their beds asleep I started walking towards the bath to brush my teeth and begin readying myself for slumber. My four year old son had been up and so had my daughter after tucking them in several times. I kept hearing a noise earlier and thought maybe one of them had been up yet again. It was now quiet though, so I believed everyone to be asleep. I had turned off the lights with the exception of the downstairs bathroom and noticed both my daughter's door and my bedroom door were opened. Usually my husband shuts our door if I have lights on and I'm up after him. I make my way to the hall with a sliver of light shining out. It's still quite dark. I hear a noise in my daughter's bedroom so I stop in my tracks. I think maybe it's my four year old, but I don't see anyone walking towards me. Then I see a low blurry movement coming towards me on the floor. Is it my daughter crawling I ponder? A strange floating object is coming towards her doorway in a very peculiar zigzagging pattern and I notice it is rather large and white and black. It's not her. It's still so dark I can't see well and then it starts floating towards me. It's one of my daughtr's stuffed animals- a panda possessed by the devil I assume. All of a sudden it's coming towards me quickly with apparently nothing underneath. I let out a short but very loud scream as I stand frozen and panic stricken and not sure what to expect. I hear my husband exclaim "what.. what!?" in a muffled half awake voice. At that same moment the light shines on the culprit which drops the panda dead in it's tracks. Wide eyed and frightened by my scream, Monte halls tail up the stairs. That darn cat....

Roundin' up this Rodeo

So we (my husband and his job) figured out we are probably moving to Texas here shortly. I really didn't want to move there.. I wanted to be closer to our family, but in this insane lifestyle we have to look at every time we move.. every place we move as an opportunity or adventure. For me, that can be really hard to do. I want to go where I want, when I want. I've never really had much of a say so in things growing up and now I find myself in that same position as an adult. If I want to live with my husband I am at the mercy of his job. This can be quite disarming and hard to cope with when you are a free spirit and desire a peaceful and artistic life. Then being thrust into this very militant lifestyle can suck the creativity and whimiscal nature from a person who must conform for her husband's job. It's really tough and sometimes I feel like I suck at being a wife and mother, then other times I think.. he's damn lucky to have me for putting up with all these things I never wanted or asked for in my life. I could have seen myself painting on the streets of Paris free from responsibility, albeit free from money in that scenario as well. However, the warmth of family life I have now I would have had to find elsewhere. I feel like my path in life is so fluid.. not concrete, it's just a matter of directing the currents down the path I want to travel with the given nooks, rocks and crevices I've been handed to work with. It's just more of a challenge for me to express who I am and lead the life I desire while following my husband on his attempts to provide for our family. So as we get ready to pack and move before or after Christmas.. I guess I'll be moving rocks in order to find that path that's been calling my name so long.. that magical path where reality and dreams will align for me. I don't know how near or far I am from reaching my dreams, but I know that as an artist at heart, I can't ever stop trying. Closing the book on Arizona soon and about to read what's in store for me in Texas. Sweet dreams Cowfolk..

My funny girl and me.. oh what does the future hold? Let it be grande! :)

Money Maker? Don't quit your day job.

So I've been trying so hard to be productive, but I guess sometimes I get in a slump. It seems alot of things fall into to place for other people. I guess my family fell into place.. but career.. well, not yet.

Years ago when Alec was in my tummy.. (that's over 10 years now).. I had thought of a career that maybe made a bit more sense than my childhood dream of becoming a film actress. So I created another artistic endeavor and called it Glass Eye Photography. I thought I was so funny and clever as the glass lense of the camera is the "eye" of the camera and the fact someone with a glass eye would likely not become a photographer. So I sold some notecards.. or rather displayed notecards I had made out of my photos in an art boutique. But Alas, I am not a patient lady and usually conclude I'm a failure before I begin, so though the Boutique owner said they got alot of attention, I took no sales before a month's time as lack of talent and/or success. 

Then I also displayed some photography at a coffee/book shop in Auburn while I was a theatre major and sold one item in the course of the month they allowed me to display it. Maybe it was two weeks..anyway.. again, not an instant success.

So a couple years ago I felt compelled to start up again with my creative ideas and as I had more children and felt I was always desiring to tell a story with my photos. I then renewed my name to "Glass Eye & Storybook Photography". I have so many people that seem to believe in whatever talent I possess, but I'm not yet a great businessman. So I don't know how to make money... or make the time to further train myself in these efforts or this craft. 

So I've had an etsy shop for not quite a month and I again.. not feeling very confident in it. However I had two friends recently that said they thought I had training in school for photography. When I corrected them and said that no, I have had only one class that was just a basic dark room developing class, as my one friend said, "then I'm even more impressed". I hope these aren't just empty encouragements, but true sentiment regarding my work. 

Anyway, if you're interested to check out what I have going on at etsy, here's my link:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/pieinmyeye

My shop's name will change as previously I was going to sell other handmade items, but I've decided right now to focus primarily on my photography.

And here's a photo of the day.. really of the other day, but I like it...

So as I'm not earning the big bucks yet, I think I'll keep my day job. It doesn't pay, but I have three really cute co-workers and a handsome beneficiary that pays for the jobs expenses. Goodnight Ya'll.

Nothing but baby cuddles

So I wanted to write everyday here.. but it's not happening. So I guess I'll just check in when I can. Right now, watching The Avengers. Not long ago we were all piled on the couch. All five of us squished up together. To me, that was awesome. I love when family is sharing in something together. Movies are great, but anything really. Especially when we are really engaged with one another. So many times we're tired and there are days or moments where we are just going through the motions. I can't stand that. I love it when we all talk or spend time together in something. So tonight I'm grateful that we had time together today at the fun fest and park and that tonight we were all cuddled on one small sofa. I'm the kind of girl who can never get enough of those baby kisses, so the more time for love, the better. They will only be this age once and it's brief.. then they won't want those cuddles.. and honestly, once they're big it's not as sweet- though I love them just the same. Something about chubby cheeks and sweet baby smell that makes me all fluffy inside. The tiny ones are fast asleep and the big kid is about there. And The Avengers is almost over. So I'll bid adieu to you and you.. and see you another morning.

I heard the news today, oh boy..

Today I brought my 4 year old to the audiologist and had his hearing tested. The doctor got a very accurate reading as he was very cooperative. (I promised/bargained/bribed him with ice cream afterwards if he was good..) So the results were not what I was hoping for. I actually was hoping he just had fluid in his ears and at worst would need tubes in his ears. They wanted to put tubes in his ears as a baby but they were going to have to put him under and I couldn't stand that thought, so I asked if we could wait to see if the fluid would go away. Sure enough, it did after a month. However, it came back numerous times and went away again as well. The last audiologist we had said that fluid in the ears can do that.

So I knew there was a possibility of hearing loss as my oldest is hearing impaired.. but of course.. a mother's hope is that her child/children will have the easiest possible life with as little complications as possible. So at first, when the audiologist said that Liam had significant high frequency hearing loss I said to myself I'd hold it together when we got to the car.. however after a little insight from the doctor, my tears involuntarily rolled down my face and I just apologized embarrassed and mad at myself for not being stronger. I mean.. it could be worse. It could be cancer. But it feels pretty darn serious when you know it's a life long challenge both you and your children have to deal with. And it's not easy. People assume my oldest speaks well because he wears hearing aids and because his hearing loss isn't that severe. Not so. I've worked very hard to ensure he hears what I say, he can repeat what I say and he can enunciate, pronounce and articulate as clearly as possible. The extra reading and repeating constantly is so tiring, but I do it to know he's getting at least some of what he's missing. 

An emotional day for me to say the least. I don't know the reasons for why anything happens.. if there is some sort of purpose for me being the mother to two boys who need extra attention and help. I feel like I'm not as capable as someone else to do this job. I feel that surely there are mother's much more patient and consistent with helping a child with something such as this. But whether or not there is a purpose.. or whether or not there is someone else more qualified for this job.. I have it. It doesn't matter what questions I ask because I can't change the fact I'm raising this children and at this point I'm the one here to help them. I love them so much and I will do my best and hope.. hope daily.. I'm doing my job right.  That they will turn out beautifully and hopefully much better than me. Because no one really knows how things turn out.. we all just hope, pray, or wait to see. But if those words are true... that love is all you need. I'm sure we'll all be just fine. 

Meanwhile, I'll be eating ice cream with the kid that doesn't know the challenges he's yet to face. The kid who assumes he's as average as the rest of the kids out there with perfect hearing. But what he doesn't know is that, though his hearing isn't perfect, he is to me. And he isn't average. Much above average because the way I love my children is far greater than average. And maybe that's how I'm special. My ice cream faced boy won't ever be "average". He's exceptional.

Sick of myself

So I guess I've been trying to put myself  "out there" more and I'm finding I'm getting really sick of myself. I'm guessing other people are quite possibly as well. But I made a commitment so I'm going to try and stick with it. So here's blog attempt #4:

I'm trying to start my own business on etsy. So today I've been weeding through the thousands of liked, hearted or "admired" items and seeing what I had in there. and just researching in general. my fingers literally are stinging now and I'm really tired and it's almost 2am, so lucky for you, this will be short.

So really.. that's it. I spent my day either lying on my bed on my elbows doing "work" or at the kitchen table or the outside table letting the kids play. Now my elbows, wrists and hands hurt.. way too much time on the computer (aka lifesucker) today.

So here's your photo of the day. G'night! Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. ;)

endeavors

The cool thing about technology is you can share journal like entries, pretty honest thoughts, ideas and opinions and unlike a diary you can share but it doesn't have to be with just close friends. Total strangers (which yes, this can be a little creepy and scary or interesting..) can come across your writings, like a book and form their own opinions. I'm not really sure what I'm doing with this blog.. I think I'm just constantly wanting to be more. Do more. I think I feel more already. More than people I come across usually.. but then people surprise me and I see they also are as passionate or sensitive as me. I'm always a little shocked by how much other's feel too. Because usually they don't cry or react as emotionally and quickly as I do.

Anyway.. I guess this is sort of my online journal of sorts, so maybe I'll just share here what I don't think people want to hear me say on the phone, or facebook, or in person.. maybe I'll say here, what I feel like saying even if it means nothing to anyone but myself. Because the chance it reaches someone and makes a connection is exciting. And I'm all about making connections. By that I don't mean in an oppurtunistic way.. I mean.. a way in which I can connect emotionally with others..

So I guess I'll go back to watching LOST. Picking up where I left off years ago before we moved to Germany. I think it was somewhere in Season 4. 

Maybe I'll leave a photo everytime to. That maybe conveys a little of the way I feel about what's going on with me. 

These are my littlest loves. 

G'night!