I heard the news today, oh boy..

Today I brought my 4 year old to the audiologist and had his hearing tested. The doctor got a very accurate reading as he was very cooperative. (I promised/bargained/bribed him with ice cream afterwards if he was good..) So the results were not what I was hoping for. I actually was hoping he just had fluid in his ears and at worst would need tubes in his ears. They wanted to put tubes in his ears as a baby but they were going to have to put him under and I couldn't stand that thought, so I asked if we could wait to see if the fluid would go away. Sure enough, it did after a month. However, it came back numerous times and went away again as well. The last audiologist we had said that fluid in the ears can do that.

So I knew there was a possibility of hearing loss as my oldest is hearing impaired.. but of course.. a mother's hope is that her child/children will have the easiest possible life with as little complications as possible. So at first, when the audiologist said that Liam had significant high frequency hearing loss I said to myself I'd hold it together when we got to the car.. however after a little insight from the doctor, my tears involuntarily rolled down my face and I just apologized embarrassed and mad at myself for not being stronger. I mean.. it could be worse. It could be cancer. But it feels pretty darn serious when you know it's a life long challenge both you and your children have to deal with. And it's not easy. People assume my oldest speaks well because he wears hearing aids and because his hearing loss isn't that severe. Not so. I've worked very hard to ensure he hears what I say, he can repeat what I say and he can enunciate, pronounce and articulate as clearly as possible. The extra reading and repeating constantly is so tiring, but I do it to know he's getting at least some of what he's missing. 

An emotional day for me to say the least. I don't know the reasons for why anything happens.. if there is some sort of purpose for me being the mother to two boys who need extra attention and help. I feel like I'm not as capable as someone else to do this job. I feel that surely there are mother's much more patient and consistent with helping a child with something such as this. But whether or not there is a purpose.. or whether or not there is someone else more qualified for this job.. I have it. It doesn't matter what questions I ask because I can't change the fact I'm raising this children and at this point I'm the one here to help them. I love them so much and I will do my best and hope.. hope daily.. I'm doing my job right.  That they will turn out beautifully and hopefully much better than me. Because no one really knows how things turn out.. we all just hope, pray, or wait to see. But if those words are true... that love is all you need. I'm sure we'll all be just fine. 

Meanwhile, I'll be eating ice cream with the kid that doesn't know the challenges he's yet to face. The kid who assumes he's as average as the rest of the kids out there with perfect hearing. But what he doesn't know is that, though his hearing isn't perfect, he is to me. And he isn't average. Much above average because the way I love my children is far greater than average. And maybe that's how I'm special. My ice cream faced boy won't ever be "average". He's exceptional.